


each feeling a mystery

by owlsii



Series: weirdness [4]
Category: Mary Poppins (Movies)
Genre: Alexithymia, Autism, Autistic Jack, Bisexual Michael Banks, Brief mention of self-harm, Gay Jack, Kissing, Lesbian Jane Banks, M/M, Magic, Stimming, autistic author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 00:58:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17478248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlsii/pseuds/owlsii
Summary: He nods into Jane’s shoulder and lets out a sob, because yes, he knows loving other boys is okay. But loving Michael Banks? It’s hopeless.{ no prior reading of this series required! can be read stand-alone. }





	each feeling a mystery

Jack likes holding hands with Jane. He likes taking her for rides on his bike, and hearing her nervously squeal whenever they hit a crack in the road. He loves to make her laugh, and see her eyes light up with happiness. Jack loves Jane.

But he’d never want to kiss her.

In his younger, teenage years, he’d had a realization. He didn’t love girls in the way all the other boys loved girls. All the other boys talked about how they wanted to kiss girls and marry girls and girls girls girls. Jack had wondered if any of the other boys wanted to kiss boys and marry boys and boys boys boys. He’d wondered if there was anyone like him.

Which is why he likes to visit the Banks. Jane knew about him loving boys. And he knew about her loving girls. It was their mutual agreement to never tell anyone else about each other’s lack of attraction to the opposite gender. And if Ellen was always asking when they’d finally announce that they were dating, well, that only helped hide it.

It was supposed to be a normal visit, and that’s what Jack thought as he walked up the steps of 17 Cherry Tree Lane. The children were upstairs in the nursery. Jack can hear them from outside, shrieking with laughter. He knocks on the door and as he waits, he rocks on the balls of his feet.

“Hello, Ellen,” he greets her cheerfully as the door opens, before she even has a chance to say anything.

“Hello, Jack!” she replies. She lets him in and gives him a knowing look that he doesn’t notice, then calls, “Jane! Jack is here!”

His heart sinks a little. Isn’t Michael supposed to be home? He follows Ellen into the living room and then he relaxes. Michael is sitting at his desk, sketching. Jack watches him flick the pencil, make quick strokes on the paper. He looks so concentrated, yet his movements are loose and seemingly unplanned. Jack wonders what he’s drawing. And then the sudden thought occurs to him, _I wonder what I would look like, drawn by him—_

A hand touches his shoulder and he jumps.

“Hey, Jack!” Jane says, smiling, and his heart warms a little. They reach out and squeeze each other’s hands in greeting. Jane opens her mouth like she’s about to say something, but Michael speaks first.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Jack, I didn’t notice you were here,” he rambles, shoving the paper under a pile of books. He still hasn’t looked up, and Jack thinks he saw blush creeping up the artist’s cheeks. “I really shouldn’t get so focused on my drawings. One day the house will catch fire and I won’t even notice.”

All three of them laugh and Michael finally looks up. Jack tries to stop his face from turning completely red. Ellen grumbles something about making tea and Michael hurriedly leaves the room too, not-so-subtly hiding the paper in his pocket as he goes, leaving Jack and Jane alone.

“So, how is your lamplighting going?” Jane asks, sitting on the couch. Jack sits next to her and fidgets with his hands.

“Just as usual,” he says. His heart is pounding in his ears and for some reason, his stomach has been aching recently. “I might... I might be getting sick.”

“Is it serious?” Jane says, instantly concerned. She turns to face him and he looks down at his hands.

“Maybe? I don’t really know,” he confesses. His throat feels like it’s closing up. “I’ve just been feeling... bad.”

Another thing about him that only Jane knows: he’s Weird. He fidgets with his hands, he can’t look people in the eyes, he smiles too much and laughs too loud, it took years to learn how to ride a bike and he still wobbles sometimes, he likes to watch the flames in the lamps and sometimes he finds he can’t move away, sometimes he talks too much and sometimes he can’t talk at all and sometimes he runs where no one can hear him and screams and unintentionally scratches his arms so bad that Jane has to bandage them up.

He runs his fingers on his jacket sleeves, over the scars. Jane rests her hand on his, a gentle reminder to stop thinking about it, because she knows it makes him Not-Happy.

A part of his Weirdness is something he calls being Not-Happy. Jack loves to be happy. He loves being positive and looking up at the London sky. He loves smiling and laughing and making other people smile and laugh. But when he isn’t feeling happy... he can’t tell what he’s feeling.

It could be sadness. Or anxiety. Or anger. But he can’t tell, unless it’s very strong, like the sadness he felt when his parents died. Sometimes it’s an in-between emotion. Jack doesn’t like in-between emotions. When Mary Poppins left the last time, he was happy, because the Banks were back home again, and he loves seeing people smiling. But he was also sad because Mary Poppins was leaving. When he explained it to her, Jane called it bittersweet, but he didn’t like that word. How could something be happy and sad at the same time?

When he’s not feeling happy, Jack’s brain lumps it all into Not-Happy, and he can’t tell what kind of Not-Happy he’s feeling, unless he tries to figure it out. A lot of the time, he needs help.

“What kind of bad?” Jane asks. As always, Jack shrugs. “Well, I can help you figure it out. That’s what best friends are for!”

She nudges him affectionately on the shoulder. Usually, he doesn’t like people touching him, but sometimes with Jane, it’s okay. Jack bites his lip.

“My heart is racing,” he says slowly, trying to pinpoint exactly what his body is telling him. “And my stomach hurts. But... I don’t think I’m sick. I think... this is an emotion.”

He never speaks to anyone else like this. He knows they’d just laugh at him. ‘Wow, you’re feeling an _emotion_? Good job figuring that out, dumbass!’ But Jane doesn’t laugh. She nods thoughtfully.

“When do you feel this emotion?” she questions, not a hint of judgement in her voice, and with each passing second Jack becomes even more grateful that he met this amazing, understanding woman. “When you’re thinking about something? Or is it all the time?”

“Well, usually I’m thinking about...” He pauses. _Oh._ “...Michael.”

The gears turning in his brain finally click to a stop. Jane is staring at him, like she’s waiting for him to say something. But he can’t. For some reason, his eyes fill with tears and he feels like he’s about to cry. He hates crying.

“You love Michael, don’t you?” Jane says softly, and that breaks the dam. He nods and wraps his arms around Jane, clinging to her for dear life. She hugs him back, whispering reassuring words into his ear. “It’s alright, Jack, this is okay, remember?”

Jack’s mind is swirling and his thoughts are incoherent and this realization has sent him into another one of his Weird moments where the world around him doesn’t quite make sense. He nods into Jane’s shoulder and lets out a sob, because yes, he knows loving other boys is okay. But loving Michael Banks? It’s hopeless.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, pulling away from her and rubbing his tears away. All the words he wants to say get stuck in his throat, so what comes out is a slow garbled mess of his actual thoughts. “Sorry for crying in... house... brother....”

 _I sound so stupid_ , he thinks, _I should leave before Michael gets back._

He stands up, and Jane looks so worried, but after bawling on the couch and making an idiot of himself, he has to go.

“Tell...” he says, and then makes an ‘mmm’ noise that Jane thinks is probably meant to be ‘Michael.’ “...B...Bye.”

He struggles getting the last word out, and then he turns to leave. He has his hand on the doorknob when Michael appears at the top of the stairwell.

“Jack? Are you leaving already?” he asks, and Jack’s heart breaks, but he can’t answer right now, so he just slips out the door. Michael calls after him. “Jack!”

~

His favorite spot in London is an old abandoned park, where vines grow over the streetlamps and the fountain doesn’t work anymore. That’s where he’s sitting now, on the edge of the fountain, among the lamps that don’t light. His mind buzzes and he nearly cries again, but he doesn’t.

Why did he let his heart fill with love for Michael? He knew it would just end in him feeling Not-Happy. Michael doesn’t love him back, and Jack doesn’t know why it took him this long to realize it.

Jack kicks at the ground and his hands clench into fists and he wants to hit something in frustration, is that what he’s feeling? Frustration at himself? That sounds about right.

There’s a rustle from a nearby tunnel and Jack freezes. He’s sure no one knows about this place but him. The vines covering the entrance move and reveal who it is.

“Michael?” Jack says. His voice is a little hoarse from crying.

“Hi,” is all Michael says in response. He walks up to the fountain and sits down next to Jack. “The children heard me yelling your name, so I told them you ran away. I was going to look for you, and Annabel told me you like this place.”

Annabel. Such a clever kid. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken the children here, because then Michael wouldn’t be here. Michael being here made him Not-Happy, because it felt like teasing, like he was being dangled in front of Jack, just out of reach.

“I come here a lot,” he whispers, and looks down at the ground. He’s fidgeting with his hands again. “I’m sorry for running. Did Jane...?”

“She told me that you were upset. That’s all.” Michael gives him a concerned look. “I know I shouldn’t ask why. That’s your business. But... is it something I can help with?”

 _Goddammit,_ Jack thinks, _out of all the questions he could’ve asked._

“I don’t know,” Jack says, and he’s being honest. “It’s not something... normal.”

Michael pauses, and every passing moment of silence makes Jack want to run away again.

“Jack, whatever it is, I want to help.” Michael puts a comforting hand on his knee, and Jack realizes that he doesn’t mind. In fact, he likes it. Fuck.

“I...” He stops. Does he really want to do this? He stands up without thinking, his instincts to run partially jumping to a start. “I don’t know, Michael. You’ll think I’m weird.”

Michael stands up too, and to Jack’s surprise, he chuckles.

“Jack, I already think you’re weird,” he says, and Jack blushes. “I love that about you.”

Jack’s heart is pounding in his ears again and his stomach aches so badly and he begs the universe to be kind to him, just this once.

“I love boys,” he says, before he can stop himself. “I love boys and I want to marry boys. I’ve known since I was little, but I’ve never had a crush this badly before, so it’s all sort of new to me—”

“Woah, slow down,” Michael says, and Jack notices he doesn’t seem very upset over the ‘loving boys’ thing. “You have a crush on another boy?”

Jack nods.

“Me too.” Michael’s face goes completely red as Jack loses all other trains of thought.

“What?” he says blankly.

“I loved Kate,” Michael says with a bit of sadness in his eyes. But it fades away. Michael’s moved on, doesn’t let his grief consume him anymore, because Kate wouldn’t want that. “And I love girls. But I also love boys. It’s taken me a while to fall in love again, after Kate’s passing. But this time, I love a boy.”

Jack can’t get his hopes up. He just can’t. But then Michael pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolds it carefully, revealing a drawing of Jack. He’s smiling and his eyes are lit up, and his mouth is open a little like he’s about to laugh. Jack’s never seen himself like that before, like a snapshot of a moment when he was happy.

“I didn’t want you to see, because I was afraid you’d ask why,” Michael whispers, handing the paper to Jack, who starts rubbing his thumb over it. Without thinking, Jack’s other hand starts flapping a little. Michael either knows about the way his Weirdness works or senses that it’s a happy movement, because he smiles. “I suppose you know the answer now.”

Jack is filled with so much happiness in this moment that suddenly, the lamps that shouldn’t be working burst to life, and the fountain starts flowing. Jack feels the spark in his chest and grins, because using magic feels so _good_. Michael looks around in wonder, and his eyes look so beautiful that Jack can’t help himself.

“I love you, Michael Banks,” he blurts out, all dramatic, like this is a marriage proposal, and Jack tries not to think about how lovely it would be to marry Michael in this park, during the summer when the sun is shining, and the vines are gone and the pavement is clean—

His thoughts are cut off when Michael grabs his hands, squeezing them tight, and he leans in until their faces are nearly touching.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, as polite as he always is. Jack nods, speechless, and then Michael’s kissing him on the lips, soft and sweet, and Jack can’t believe this is actually happening. Michael pulls away and their foreheads are still resting together. Jack manages to look him in the eyes. “I love you, Jack.”

Jack smiles, and then lets out a sob. Michael puts a hand on his cheek, slightly worried, but Jack puts his hand on Michael’s and grins even more. Jack is crying, but he’s happy. This is a new feeling, an emotion that’s not Not-Happy, but it’s not _just_ happy, either.

Jack kisses Michael and smiles through his tears. He can feel a new emotion carving its way into his brain, next to Happy and far, far away from Not-Happy. Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god that was so cheesy and sappy, which is like, my entire brand as a writer i think.
> 
> i love these boys. and i love writing jane as jack's best friend because i love writing cuddly friendships.
> 
> if i have any more ideas (or someone sends me some... wink wink) i'll definitely write more of this, because writing this was so fun!!!


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